Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
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I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.