My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
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Harsh but fair
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.