Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
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My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?