If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
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The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
my professor scared me for a second
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.