damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
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I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next