Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
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I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.