Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
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Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*