9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
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A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not