My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
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I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Thanks to a fan for this one!
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
#ProTip
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows