Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
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Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.