inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
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1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit