[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
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4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.