who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
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Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea