My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
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Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago