‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
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I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Important reminders
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!