“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
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tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
#have a #great #PancakeDay
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?