My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
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if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”