Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
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I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
*watches the world burn*
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means