“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
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The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Jurassic park gets weird
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness