“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
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Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Try and stop me.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?