I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
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it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
no one ever comes back
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I want this so bad
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.