I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
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*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
every college guy’s fridge
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Bit chilly again tonight.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf