I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
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The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”