My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
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I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
True
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.