Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
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*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Meow
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
📽️movie date🎞️