What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
You Might Also Like
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.