when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
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[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
This came to me in a dream.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅