I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
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me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.