Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
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Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
“We will wed,” I threatened
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life