Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
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They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Just this preview of the story is enough
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting