Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
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Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
oh you wanna fight?!
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.