The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
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Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing