no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
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[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”