no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
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townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
They got a point!
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Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.