(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
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I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?