Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
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“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Just a bush.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time