They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
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I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Oops
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Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
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After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer