After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
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*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.