Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
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I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Festive toon…
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I think I’m having a stroke
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
WHY would you be happy about this?
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single