The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
You Might Also Like
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
You know…for fall…
How about I get 100% off by already being there
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”