If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
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Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”