Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
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My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*sees man stuck in tree
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Reviews of Hogwarts
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”
“At least one student dies every year”
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme
wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.