Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
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I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*