Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
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Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.