captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
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chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.