Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
You Might Also Like
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
i actually laughed 😩
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button