I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
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Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.