I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
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How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Going to church you guys need anything
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]