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“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
mood
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
notice
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.