“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
You Might Also Like
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.