Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
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me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
All set.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Danger is very dangerous
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.