Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
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I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
😅😅😅
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
britain’s three elite institutions
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Salad is the decaf of food.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like