cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
You Might Also Like
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
R.I.P.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard