[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
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microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets