@peterjames48

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

You Might Also Like

@peachesanscream

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

@Eden_Eats

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

@

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

@FloodyHippie

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

@JimmerThatisAll

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

@SoulYodeler

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

@Try2StopME

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

@DanMentos

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

@soanim8ed

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.