@peachesanscream To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
@peterjames48 Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
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@peachesanscream 
@Eden_Eats I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
@CornOnTheGoblin [commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
@FloodyHippie Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
@JimmerThatisAll When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
@SoulYodeler Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
@Try2StopME Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
@DanMentos “If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
@soanim8ed Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.