@deloisivete me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
@peterjames48 Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
You Might Also Like
@deloisivete 
@818Newbie NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
@karanbirtinna The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
@MrEd_EVH I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
@ShrinkMedia My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
@PaperWash “are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
@causticbob When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
@Dawn_M_ So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
@lincnotfound interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
@mjkspeaks a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off