Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
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I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription: