Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
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You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
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[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Dolls on drugs
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see