@peterjames48

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

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@deloisivete

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

@818Newbie

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

@karanbirtinna

The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.

@MrEd_EVH

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

@ShrinkMedia

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

@PaperWash

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

@causticbob

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

@Dawn_M_

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

@lincnotfound

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

@mjkspeaks

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off